i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
