Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
