I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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