I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You took a bar mat shot.
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I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
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My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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