if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
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now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
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I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
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