you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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