so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
