i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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