Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
