They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
