Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
