I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
