Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
