i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
