i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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