he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
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I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
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Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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