you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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