I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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