Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
