I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
