anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
