WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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