Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
