420 ftw
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
