he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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