Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
