I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
