So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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