tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
