never play flip cup with pint glasses
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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