just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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