Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
