What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
