you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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