I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
