don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
