Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
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Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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