Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
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You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
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Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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