Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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