Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
