when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
