I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
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she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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