He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Hippo gnu deer
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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