Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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