So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
