Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
