there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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