god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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