its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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