i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
