did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
