i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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