just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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