This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
