Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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